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Вчера нашла потрясающий фик всё на том же AFYO. Не знаю как он в плане языка, но хотя бы не откровенное ООС. Хочу перевести его, но он великоват для меня, поэтому начну с Secrets in the attic, а там как пойдёт. Кроме того, вчера пока читала его перед выходом из дома, меня как молнией поразило, что я могу использовать идею и написать что-то своё. Это вообще самый классный момент, когда осеняет чем-нибудь, и ты ещё не заешь как это будет, но начало положено (ох, боюсь сглазить)

Название: Pain Is So Close To Pleasure
Автор: Versatile_Doom
Рейтинг: G
Пэйринг: Бэм Марджера/Вилле Вало, Бэм Марджера/ОЖП
Предупреждения: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cheating, Established Relationship, Inner Dialogue, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Ссылка на оригинал: archiveofourown.org/works/1428553

ангстовый ангст

I'm sorry....
I'm sorry I couldn't see it sooner. I'm sorry for lying to myself.. .to you..
It was not the same. It hasn't been for a very long time now yet I couldn't stop pretending. I wore
my heart like a crown yet now it is nothing but a black shards on a dirty ground. Shards I tried to
mend so many times but every time it would just break into smaller and smaller pieces. There is
nothing left. And I don't want anything. I don't think I even deserve it. You don't deserve it. I
look at you and see nothing.. .feel nothing. I don't want your touch, your breath, your moan.
Everything that has been my reason, my life itself is gone now. All I see is abyss. Something that
once was my life line is now a screaming flat liner. I'm sorry..
***
You're at home. You've been gone for two months doing promotions for bands or something. At
least that's what you told me. Yet you and me both it know better... Doesn't matter. You brought
your new friends with you, people you've only known for a few days yet they were more
comfortable and more welcome here than I was. I can feel you watching me. Thinking? Fearing?
Doubtful.. Doesn't matter. I can't help but remember what it used to be. How you would lock us
up from the outside world for days and we'd re-memorize our bodies and souls even if we'd been
away from each other no more than a week. How you'd ignore everyone and everything just so
we could simply sleep for days holding each other. Those were bittersweet memories. What was
the point even having them now?
I get up and to leave the kitchen. It is clear that you are too busy playing a host. I can see you
move too. Hope? No. You look at me as you walk past by me to get more alcohol and give me a
wink. By the time you look again I'm gone. You don't come looking for me. I didn't expect you
to..
Just few years ago I would've been there with all of you. Being the soul of whatever party you
were having. But you pushed it away from me, telling me I didn't need that. We both didn't need
that. And I believed you. I surrendered to you. Made my future with you. Future. Is this it now?
This is the future you wanted us to have? I can hear new my voice blasting through speakers.
Poison Heart. Such irony..
After an hour or so I hear the door slam next to the bedroom I was in. I hear your laughter. The
same one you promised me only I was to hear. I drop whatever I was doing and go to the
bathroom and lock myself inside. I don't need to hear it for I perfectly know who is in that room
and whom with.. Doesn't matter..
I only couldn't understand one thing. Why you fought for me so much? Why you wanted to save
me? To drag me into the light from the darkness I created myself. To show me that love is really
all you need, just to jump into the shadows and web of lies yourself. Or were you there all
along? Were you just trying to seduce me to see me crash and burn?
I close my eyes and try to shut everything out. The noises of laughter, of joy and passion. It all
feels so familiar yet so alien at the same time. Like the sense of deja vu. I know I've been there,
lived that life yet it feels so foreign to me. Like a dream within a nightmare when you don't know
if you're awake or still dreaming. Do you want to wake up at all?
I open my eyes and look at myself in the mirror. No one can say that I'm weak. Not even now. I
just don't want to surrender to the mocking and clawing voice that screams in my head "I told you
so". I don't ignore it either. I let it push me forwards. To keep me awake inside my nightmare. To
make me stop believing my love is heading somewhere. You're still the only one who can give
me all the love that I crave but I long for peace before I die. And with you, death is certain. It
always was. You cannot cheat it twice. That's simply impossible.
I splash my face with cold water and it seems to burn my skin. The cold is nothing compared to
the coldness you surround me with every day. I wait for 15 or so minutes, one could say hiding
from the obvious. Truth was I wanted to spare myself for something I would do if I let it all dig
deeper inside of me. I go back into the bedroom and see you sitting on the bed, texting someone.
You look like you just ran a marathon or had a good fuck. Not very difficult to guess the right
one. Without even looking at me you get up and go to the bathroom. I change my clothes and get
into bed. I can hear you washing your sins. Useless. But I guess I should give you credit for
trying. I close my eyes. My body's aching but I can't sleep. My dreams are all the company I keep
but even now, when I need it the most it was denied to me. Before I know it you're climbing into
the bed behind me. You snuggle up to me and place your hand on my stomach.
"I'm dead tired and drunk", you mumble into my neck.
"Well you shouldn't have thrown that party after you just got home then", I don't ask about the
obvious thing. What was the point? He doesn't seem to notice me slowly inching away from his
body. I don't know why, but I feel dirty.
"Mmpph. Had to throw a welcome party". I can feel his hands on me, moving in circles, getting
lower. I clench my teeth and turn onto my back. 
"Hey", he tries protesting and scoots closer to me, hugging me around the waist and draping his
leg over mine. I feel like I'm trapped inside an iron maiden and you pushing the door closer to me
with daggers piercing me through with no mercy.
"I'm tired Bam. It's like 2 in the morning."
"I come home after 2 fuckin' months and you won't even let me touch you?!" Suddenly you're
angry. Why? It's not like you need anything from me.
"As I said, you shouldn't have thrown that party..."
"You pissed at me for that?"
"No Bam.. Just go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow."
I can feel you hovering above me, watching me. What were you trying to see? Was there anything
left to see?
"Without any more words I feel you drop back on the bed but this time you don't hug me. I let out
my breath that I didn't even notice I was holding in. I don't want to sleep with you. I don't want
your passion. I want to scream this, but what's the point when you won't even understand why.
***
"Hey Ville"
"Hi Phil. Didn't know you were coming today"
"Ape heard Bam was back so we decided to visit. She just went to the bathroom. Where is
everyone though?", he looked around seeing the empty house.
"Oh, Bam is doing a photoshoot outside." I said and switched of the TV.
"And you're not in it?", Phil chuckled.
I shook my head "And thank Lord for that", I patted him on the back when April came into the
room, mumbling something.
"Hey Ville. Was someone trying to drown someone in the downstairs bathroom?!"
"Don't know, don't care!", I threw my hand in the air and laughed. They laughed with me not
realizing how truthful that was.
We went outside, though I stayed at the back. Some new local skaters were doing tricks on one of
the smaller decks while a guy with a massive red mowhawk was taking pictures and you. you
were drinking beer with your new buddies and some new girl who barely looked 18. April as
always was trying to scowl you but you just dismissed "all her bitching" by a simple wave of
hand. You can't deny that, after ten years you were still doing whatever the fuck you wanted. You
notice me and give me a wave. I don't return it, just finish my smoke and shove my hands into
your hoodie. I'll need to change later. You approach me and greet me with a kiss.
"Hey", you say smiling at me and wrap your hands around my waist, linking your fingers
together.
"Hi", I returned the smile, no matter how much it hurts me.
"I missed you", you murmur and give me an Eskimo kiss.
"Mmmm", I can't force myself to say it back to you, no matter how much I want it, it just doesn't
feel right. I pull my hands out and put them lightly on your shoulders. You seem happy enough
with it. Before I would've had my hands in your back jeans pockets, trying to get you to me as
close as possible. To feel you in any way possible. Why wasn't I pushing you away from me?
Why wasn't I trying hurt you? Because I want to punish myself. I wan you to punish me for
taking every little piece of my heart; for taking it and breaking and tearing it apart. For shaping my
soul and then drowning it. For taking my life; twisting and turning it and cutting it up. I want you
to punish me for letting me all this happen.
"Listen, I'm sorry for yesterday. For leaving you to be alone. I just.I just thought that you'll join
us and I couldn't just leave them all on their own to destroy my house.", It felt like you just
dropped a ton of bricks on my face. I-I didn't even want to let your words sink in. I couldn't..
Just couldn't
"S'okay", I hug you tighter. Seep into me. Make me bleed. Make me hurt. 
After few minutes of holding me you join back the fun. I keep looking at you and your new prey.
How you laugh at whatever she's saying, how you compliment her tattoos. You suggest her to get
a Heartagram and I feel your knife twisting deeper inside of me. So now you're marking them? If
I looked at them all would I see my mark there? Is it some sick way you find to mock me even
more? To steal what's mine, break it and then show it to me how you enjoyed doing that? In my
dazed state I didn't hear you call my names several times.
"Yo! Earth to Valo!"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I said you wanna join the fun?", you laugh at me.
"Fun?"
"Yeah. We gonna take the new canoes and go down the river."
"You know better than to mix me with water, Bam", I try to laugh it off.
"Oh c'mon! It'll be fun! You and me can even share a boat", you wiggle your eyebrows
suggestively. I force myself to laugh again.
"Maybe I'd go if it were a bit warmer. And I think you'll find someone to share the boat", I made
a mistake by looking at his new group of friend when I said that.
"Why you really don't wanna go? After I got back you haven't spent any time with me!", his
voice got accusing and cold.
"Come on Bam, we're losing daylight here! If he doesn't want to go just leave him", said one of
his friends.
"Stay out of it, ok?! Why you don't want to hang out with me? What the fuck is your problem?"
"My problem? If you weren't drinking day and night maybe I would come hang out with you",
why I was getting defensive I could not understand.
"Since when do you have a problem of me drinking?"
"Bam...", I sight. Please, please just leave me alone. "You bring those people and want me to be
all happy about it. You want me to become best friends with them like you do when even you
don't know them enough to call them friends!" "Well if you stayed with us for more than.", you
tried interrupting me but for some reason I kept going. "I'm not like you. I won't stay there and
watch you drink yourself into oblivion. I won't sit there and watch you have a good time while
you leave me alone. I am not you!"
Anger and confusion flash in your eyes. We look at each other surrounded by silence. People
either enjoying our little show or just feeling uncomfortable witnessing it.
"What-fuckin-ever. I'm leavin'"
"You do that."
You turn around, gather everyone and leave without sparing me another glance. Why all of a
sudden you're so bothered about me not being around you?
That night you didn't sleep in our bed. I'm not even sure you were at home. In the morning I
didn't ask. I found you sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. It's painful to look at the pieces of
the man you used to be. I don't think you're even sober yet. I poured myself some coffee and sat
down next to you. We just went into our, what I call now routine. No matter what happened the
night before we wake up and greet each other, have breakfast, chat, if he's in the mood we fuck,
maybe go into town and then go do our own separate things.
After lunch April came by. She wanted to plant some new flowers around the house. I offered to
help even though I know nothing about flowers. Anything to keep me away from over thinking.
Right now, it wasn't a very smart thing to do.
I sat outside with my laptop listening to Aprils little stories when a black BMW pulled over. A
woman, with black hair, nice size plastics on her chest, somewhat in her late 30's started coming
towards us. I looked at April if she knew who the woman was but she just shrugged.
"Hey, is Bam around?"
"Depends on who you are", I said, lowering the screen of my laptop.
"A friend", she raised her eyebrow.
I looked her over without even trying to hide it. He definitely had no preferences.
"He's away", I turned away from her and lit my cigarette. 
"Well, I just brought him his credit card, he left it the day before. Can you give it to him?", she
took the small plastic card from her front pocket and
"Uhuh", I took the card from her extended hand, hoping that the ash from my cigarette will burn
her. "Sure can"
"Thanks.... Well, bye...", she turned on her heel and left. Again, I hoped she will trip on her ugly
high heels and smash her face into the cold and hard concrete. No such luck, not for me. I dropped
the card on the chair next to me, not bothered about it at all if someone else found it. From the
corner of my eyes I looked at April. And while she didn't say anything I could see her thinking.
Were her thoughts same as mine?
"I think I'll go inside. My laptop needs recharging. You don't mind me leaving you?", I asked her,
getting up and gathering my things, but not even bothering to pick up Bam's card. Truth was I
didn't need to recharge my laptop, but I had more important things to do.
"Oh no, dear, you go ahead, I'm almost done anyway."
"The other day" The words kept ringing in my head. He was back much earlier and didn't come
home. I didn't even notice a single tear running down my face..
You came back an hour later. I didn't mention the girl nor did I gave you the card that was
probably still lying in your garden if April didn't pick it up, when you were looking for it.
Thinking that someone stole it, you called the credit card company and canceled it. You dropped
next to me on the couch and kissed my neck. Y ou smelled like booze, cigarette smoke and
something else. Someone else.
"How about you and me go to Philly on Monday?"
"What for?"
"I don't know. Just walk around. Do a little shopping? It feels like ages since we did something
together"
It was ages, dear Bam.
"Ok", I smile at you. No point in denying you and starting a fight.
"Rad", I can feel you smiling against my next, lips slowly kissing my skin. Making me feel like I
once used to. That I'm the only one. Oh how I want you to push me away, to laugh at me, to
mock me and say what a pathetic human being I was for letting him do this. I turn my head and
look at you. At your eyes. Those blue beauties that made me believe, made me earn for something
more than a simple feeling. Why? Why those eyes changed so much? Why did it happened? Why
it's still happening? Why wasn't I enough? Where did it started? Why couldn't you stop
everything and free us both? Why you had to play your cruel game? Did you think that my love
wasn't real? Did you want something else from me? Why? I brush your hair with my fingers and
the sensations are all the same yet it feels so different. It feels so tainted. How many other fingers
touched your hair? How many did you enjoyed? Why you had to poison yourself and hurt me so
much? Why couldn't I make you stop?
I look into your eyes and see only hurt. The happiness than once they were shinning so brightly
with was now replaced by a wall. A wall I could not climb any longer nor could I tear it down.
You leaned into me, ready to place those deceiving warm lips against mine. Ready to lie and make
promises. Before you could mock me even more there was a shout for dinner from downstairs and
if not sound of multiple feet running our way, you probably would've ignored it and dragged me
to bed. Little miracles do happen after all.
***
"Ville?
"Up here", I was going upstairs when April called me. The dinner was noisy and uncomfortable. I
was surrounded by strangers that completely ignored me. Or was I ignoring them?
"I'm leaving now. I did the washing so you just need to take the clothes from the dryer."
"I could've done that, but thank you."
"Not a problem. Bye now", she briefly hugged me and was ready to let go but I was holding her
tightly and rubbed one hand down her back.
"Bye April", I whispered into her hair and let her go. She looked me directly in the eyes and
slowly nodded. No matter what people said April wasn't naive. She understood everything
perfectly but just as I was powerless to do or change anything. She understood me. She felt what I
was feeling. At least at motherly level. You hurt us both so much....
"Bye sweetie", she placed her hand on my cheek and I softly smiled at her. She sighted and
walked out of the house.
***
"Ville?" I hear you call my name. I quickly close the door to the closet and turn around.
"Yes?"
"We're going out to The Note. You wanna come?"
"Sorry Bam, but I was thinking of writing tonight", for a moment I see annoyance flash across
your face but it is quickly replaced by a smile. I have to admit. In the past two days you asked me
countless of times to do something with you and I always declined. But why should I go with you
and pretend to be happy? Besides I think you would have much for fun without me anyway. You
can always find something better to do.
"Ok then, we shouldn't be long but you better don't wait up for me", you give me a kiss and run
off. I stand there looking at the empty hallway for a minute or two. Feeling cold wash over my
body. I go to the window and see you jump into one of you cars and speed off. A trail of dust is
the only reminder left of you until it's also gone as well. I go back into the bedroom and put my
shoes on.
I walk to your dresser and look at all the trinkets that lie on it. Numerous rings, bracelets and
necklaces. Most of them are tribute to one or some other band. Some my gifts for you. Little things
that mostly were given for no reason at all. Everything that we gave each other with some kind of
promise lie before my eyes. I lift my left hand and look it. Something was supposed to be hiding
my mistakes made new ones. Even bigger ones. I take the ring off my finger and look at it. It's
almost ridiculous how much joy such a small thing, such a little thing brought me. It was just a
simple ring that wasn't even intended to go on my wedding finger, yet it was a silent promise from
Bam to me and me to him. It was our seal in a way. But now it was burning on my finger. The
stone that once reminded me of the same color crystal blue eyes every time I looked at it was now
nothing but a piece of colored glass. No emotions. No nothing. I kiss it and place it on the dresser.
I look at the window at the setting sun. It's getting late. But not too late to start fixing some things.
By the time you are back I am gone.
***
Thank you.
Thank you for destroying me. Thank you for ripping me apart.
For the first time in an awfully long time I take a breath and the air reaches my lungs. And it's
wonderful. I feel my whole body explode with the feeling of freedom. The chain on my neck
that's been constricting me for such a long time has been lifted. I feel alive. So alive. So
lightheaded.
Someone said that love is like a passing song; it's here and then it's gone. I'll have to disagree. I'll
love him forever. Till my last breath. He was my absolute everything for such a long time that no
matter how things ended I cannot ignore or forget why I've fallen for him, why I stayed with him
for so long...why I still love him. But in a way love is like a song. If you listen to in on repeat for
years and years you'll get sick of it. You'll hate it. It'll drive you insane. And the only way to get
rid of that choking feeling is to destroy it. I know there will be calls, pleas, anger, tears, promises,
apologies.. But I don't care. You shouldn't care either. Too much love killed us and one day
you will have to realize that. At least I hope you will..
I was torn between the lover and the love I left behind but it was impossible to choose when there
were no choices to begin with. But as I looked at the blue sky I smiled. And it reached my soul. I
feel so alive.. I finally feel every little broken piece setting into its place. Slowly but most
definitely. My heart is still heavy but I have a hope now. Thank you.

@темы: слэш, помойный пёс, Бэм Марджера/Вилле Вало, ангст